


Why

by ZoeNoDots



Series: questions [2]
Category: Victorious
Genre: Mentioned Bade, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5424161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeNoDots/pseuds/ZoeNoDots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tori Vega had moments when she understood. Fully, absolutely, and without a doubt. The reason. Why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the second part I guess. I don't even know what happened here, I just had to get some stuff out of my head. It's probably too similar to the first part, so I apologize for that, but please enjoy anyway. And leave kudos & comments if you feel like it. Or don't.

Tori Vega had moments when she understood. Fully, absolutely, and without a doubt. The reason. Why.

Why she hasn't dated anyone since Danny. She could have, maybe even should have. Maybe even wanted to. (Sometimes.) But she'd rather be unhappily single than unhappily not, she'd rather keep this pain to herself, for herself.

She understood, in those moments, why she had these thoughts, dreams, feelings. (Secrets.) She also knew she had to keep them hidden, since it was hopeless, pointless to reveal what she wanted. She'd never get it, not for one day (one hour, one minute, one moment). If someone found out, everything would change, be destroyed, no in between.

Because Tori had a crush.

Well, technically she was in love, which to her was more than just crushing on somebody, particularly when she was in love with Jade West. It was bad enough the girl had a boyfriend, a boyfriend she loved, a boyfriend she was in love with. A boyfriend that happened to become one of Tori's closest and best friends. But what was even worse, was that Jade absolutely loathed her, for no reason at that. Jade was rude and sadistic, she lashed out, made snarky comments, was aggressive, insensitive, and mean. But Tori remained selfless towards Jade, if only for her selfish reasons. Tori could tell Jade was just putting up a front, a façade, a mask. (And Tori liked that.) She wanted to know what was underneath it all, what even made her hide herself. So, Tori acted even more selfless (selfish) around Jade and kept on being nice, helped her, was very upfront with wanting to be friends. Especially since they hung out with the same group of people anyway, and Tori hated the fact that Jade was the only one she didn't get along with. She was so sure that Jade would want to be her friend. Eventually.

(She didn't.)

That left Tori with admiring Jade from afar, noticing things about her. How she defends her friends and threatens people for them behind their backs, how she lets the tiniest of smiles show right after she finishes singing a song, how she can be so, so soft when she wants to be. How that's it. The reason. Why.

Why she wanted to hold Jade's hand in the hallways, during class, at lunch. Why she wanted to stare into Jade's eyes and decide what colour they really were. Why she wanted Jade to give her rides home, or anywhere else. Why she wanted to make Jade laugh, actually, genuinely laugh. Why she wanted Jade to be hers.

And everytime Tori was so caught up in her thoughts, when she was so sure about her feelings she wanted to get up and just let everyone know, something would snap her back to reality. It could be Cat telling her how Beck and Jade got together, it could be Rex commenting on another one of their make-out sessions, it could be a flustered Robbie trying not to stutter while scolding Rex for staring at them. It could be André complaining that Beck still got more attention than him, eventhough Beck wasn't single, or it could be Beck talking about how happy Jade made him. Sometimes, very rarely, she would look over to Jade to tell her, and she'd already have her eyes on her, so Tori stared back. (Tory _never_ looked away first.)

It was those moments when she would snap back to reality, like a lightning bolt, so fast she almost felt kind of dizzy, where she closed her eyes, held her breath, and let it sink in. After that she'd breathe and smile at everyone. Except Jade, she kept staring at her.

...

She was aware she was in a hopeless situation. She wasn't stupid, oblivious, blind. She knew her feelings wouldn't be returned, so she made sure to keep them inside, away from everyone else. (Keep them hidden.) She was also aware that this could get worse. She knew she was in love with Jade, definitely, positively, undoubtedly. But sometimes she still asked herself. What did that even mean, anyway? Being in love?

Tori used to think it meant feeling infinitely happy, incredibly special, indestructible. Like when Jade would chuckle at one of her jokes, barely but genuinely. When Jade would sit next to her, eventhough there were other seats she could have taken. When Jade was impressed with whatever Tori had done, although she wouldn't say it out loud. But it also meant feeling incredibly conflicted all the time. When she was jealous, of Beck whenever he kissed Jade's cheek and then guilty for feeling jealous. When she was sad and hurt because Jade had yet again been unnecessarily been mean to her. When she felt worthless after she had been ignored by Jade. She thought being in love felt like being a rainbow in a black and white movie, so much potential to be something so beautiful, but not being able to show the colours, so they're left to the imagination.

When she started to feel to much, a burst of hope she didn't allow herself to feel, a wave of sadness she didn't want to feel, when the feelings became too many, towering over her, glowering at her, overpowering her, she left in search of somewhere quiet, dark and desolate, away from everybody else. (The janitor's closet, that one restroom noone used, her room.) She was so desperate for release in those moments, the razor sharp in her shaking hands, frantic to mark her body, cut through skin, make her bleed. She leaned against the wall, pushing the blade against her skin, again, again, again, until she felt the blood run against her skin, breathing in the sweet metallic smell. Overwhelmed with release and relief. Clarity. (Need.) She set her pain free or her pain set her free, whatever, just to feel like she was in control again, like she actually had a clue what she felt, and there was a chance that that would change. Afterwards she cleaned her cuts and looked at her scars, old and new, tried to count them and failed, noticed their difference in shade, feel her tears dripping across them. She was crying, relieved and alone, lonely. _In love_.

And later (a few minutes, an hour, a day, a weekend), when she was at school again, putting her stuff into her locker, not really thinking about anything. She closed her locker and turned around, and in that moment she saw Jade walk through the doors, and was struck again with this undeniable truth. She was in love with Jade West. She caught her eyes for a fraction of a moment before she looked away and stopped. Tori turned around again. Closed her eyes, held her breath, let it sink in. Then she breathed and understood. Fully, absolutely, and without a doubt. The reason. Why.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts are appreciated.


End file.
